To Whom it May Concern

To Whom it May Concern:

       Over the past semester I have learned so many techniques and topics to improve my writing in many ways. Reading published works helped to give examples and demonstrate what good writing can be. I learned a lot about different types of writing. from picture narratives to exemplification papers. This will be extremely beneficial to my future endeavors in writing and English based courses. The material taught in the course will help me be a better writer in so many aspects, and has gotten me prepared to further my education.

     I have grown as a writer throughout this course.  I wrote my first picture narrative and I believe this is the place where I really preformed well. Being able to use creativity and make the paper anything you wanted it to be, that freedom really made me like this assignment early on in the year. Showing not telling is a phrase often used through out the course and really has made me be optimistic as a writer.

  Exemplification was a technique I used not only in this class. Learning about how showing and making a point with research and personal experience is a great paper, it can really reach out to the reader. I used this in one of my Syracuse University Project Advance courses and applying what I have learned to this class in other places is what makes what I have worked on so beneficial. This was used in my cookie paper, research and personal experience from class was used. Revising this paper in my blog entries I used new introduction techniques.

This course has taught me how to use comparison in many types of writing. Using point- by-point or subject-by-subject. This I demonstrated in my piece about the Seven Deadly sins, point- by-point. Comparing different aspects in each individual paragraph.

Making new conclusions and new introductions, learning how to improve them is something that made my writing so much better. Intriguing the reader and summarizing with predictions is something that I learned that I really take into considerations during my writing.

The how-to-paper, was a new type of writing I learned in this course. This new technique helps list out aspects of anything you want to write about. This really brings out creativity.

College Composition has beneficial to me as a writer. Using new aspects of writing that I have  brought into my knowledge is going o improve my writing has a whole and I plan to use what I have demonstrated in this portfolio to help me further my writing in the future.

Thank you for your time,

Kate Denhoff

The Final Revision

Kate Denhoff

Picture Narrative

I walked down the stairs grasping the rail tightly, I was tense. I turned left assuming he was in his study. He sat there reading some papers probably from the firm or about some case. I opened the door unable to speak, and simply put the paper on the desk in front of him. He read, said nothing then finally.”If you choose, to attend this institution you will be paying for it yourself because, I do not approve.”

 But to his surprise I finished at the top of my class with one of my art pieces in a small gallery. Getting job offers and getting introduced to chalk. So here I am. This is my story;

It’s April 3^rd, on the banks of Lake Michigan. My names Eric and I’m a sidewalk artist. Now you look at me and you think I’m a scrub, I know. I can tell what you’re thinking you’re looking at me in my work boots and my roughed up jeans with a T-shirt on. But really you shouldn’t make assumptions about a person you don’t know, I went to the Art Institute in New York City and my father is a top lawyer for celebrities out in Hollywood. I’m rich, extremely wealthy. And I love to draw, paint, and chalk all of it. It’s my passion. But you see he is disappointed in me and has been my whole life. You know, I’m the only child, spoiled type of son who was raised to be another lawyer in the firm that was created for me to be successful.

 That’s not really how it went though.  I loved my crayons in Kindergarten, not my ABC book. Elementary schools it was the marker phase, not 2+2=4. Then we moved up to middle school, most kids were learning about the solar system and US History, I took extra art classes and was introduced to chalk. But middle school was mostly the color pencil stage. Using fade dimensions, and the eraser and all new things that brought into a new world of art. But then high school came. Now my father expected me to be in Advanced Placement classes and really buckle down, I was expected to get into Harvard Play at least two varsity sports… that didn’t happen though. That’s when the trouble started. He made me try out for football and baseball epic fail on both of them because I was late finishing up my first painting on canvas in the art room. Robert (my father) was disappointed but just said it will all be okay join some clubs and work work work on homework.  I spent my lunch period, sketching. I went up into my room at night and painted while my dad thought I was studying Physics. So you get the point I had a passion for art.  Straight A’s in art just not in the classes he approved of. My mother defended me to a certain point would never really stand up to him. She was probably busy buying Gucci purses online and a new outfit for their dinner party next week. I was happy though besides his disappoint and furry. I was doing what I loved and making friends doing it friends that appreciate what makes me happy. Art.

So I continued my passion. It was the beginning of senior, I didn’t score as well as I… I mean my father had hope on the SAT’s but that’s okay cause I had a huge envelope on my desk in my art filled room, from the Art Institute in New York City. They have been talking to me non stop. I shook, it’s been sitting there for three days and seventeen hours. I was ready, I sat there. My application and examples of arty that I sent to them was good enough at least I think and this year I was president of the art club which I let them know in my essay. Three…Two…One…, I tore open the heavy weighted envelope that’s been glaring at me for days. I got accepted. The biggest grin came upon my face. But let me tell you that’s not only it. I started shaking again not with nervousness, but with proud, exciting joy. The words we have decided to give you a donation due to your excellent and outstanding performance in the art community.  Joy ran through my body. This was the hard part though, telling my father.

I simply walked away snatching the paper. If that was my only choice then I was going to do it. Student loans, scholarships, resident assistants there are many ways of getting through the financial aspects of college. Even though he is extremely wealthy and can pay up front for my first right now. I was depressed and my next piece reflected it. A homeless man sitting alone with no one there to talked to. My mother had nothing to say to me other than congratulations but your father has made up blah blah blah all that bullcrap. But that’s okay this is my passion and I went to the art institute.

~

            I finished at the top of my class with one of my art pieces in a small gallery. Proud and read to begin my life. My mother and father attended my graduation but that was it. I was on my own, living in New York City and going to be an up and coming artist. I had my own apartment, still frustrated with my father. I let it go. The recession hit me hard. I had student loans and not a job. I started to explore the world of pastels and chalk once again. And became amazed at what happened with all different kinds of things you could do. I practiced on the pavement outside my apartment when one day. An older man walked by. Who what of thought that this man would basically change my life? He came up and explained how he loved my work and he was a principal at the local high school. He wanted me to chalk outside of the school. The budget was tight and said he couldn’t pay me. I had nothing to lose. I started the next week because it was spring break for the kids I had one week to finish. I did the school name and the mascot of a tiger jumping through the letters .I was proud and he appreciated it so much. What I didn’t know is that this volunteer project was the beginning of a career. The local paper came and took pictures and wrote an article on my work. Soon the City wide paper had my work and name in it. My name and email address was posted. All of sudden every time I checked my e-mail I would have 23 messages of praise and excitement towards my work. That’s not it. I got job offers and all new places to chalk. So I invested in a brand new chalk set and bought an appointment and began calling people back. They sent me designs they wanted so I could already start picturing what to do. I was bringing in the money not a lot but I finally had something I could look forward to do with my art. Then the job offers kept coming. More articles, interviews and before I knew it my name was known.

~

            This job never stopped. I loved it and was traveling across the nation to chalk. I finally told my parents after a year and my father played back student loans and finally accepted that I was doing something that I loved and made money doing it. I was more known than him. So my best is advice is believed in your passion and does whatever it takes.

I took your advice in grabbing the rader and adding a flashback I think this is a paper that has a lot of potentional. Thank you very much.

A picture worth almost a thousand words...

I would really like feedback on this paper because its something I have never tried before, a picture narrative. I really enjoyed this assignment, its something that is not a typical paper. Reflecting back, I really want to make sure it is interesting to the reader, so thats what I would like feedback on. I would really like ideas for a title, I don't have a title yet this would be extremely helpful! I was wondering what techniques would be good for intriguing the reader in the introduction or what technique would make the conclusion better. The last thing I want feedback on is the creativity, this is a totally made up story so it shows creativity maybe because its art based sensory details? I worked really hard on this draft and was very interested in this type of paper. Looking forward to the feedback.

Kate Denhoff

Picture Narrative

It’s April 3^rd, on the banks of Lake Michigan. My names Eric and I’m a sidewalk artist. Now you look at me and you think I’m a scrub, I know. I can tell what you’re thinking you’re looking at me in my work boots and my roughed up jeans with a T-shirt on. But really you shouldn’t make assumptions about a person you don’t know, I went to the Art Institute in New York City and my father is a top lawyer for celebrities out in Hollywood. I’m rich, extremely wealthy. And I love to draw, paint, and chalk all of it. It’s my passion. But you see he is disappointed in me and has been my whole life. You know, I’m the only child, spoiled type of son who was raised to be another lawyer in the firm that was created for me to be successful.

 That’s not really how it went though.  I loved my crayons in Kindergarten, not my ABC book. Elementary schools it was the marker phase, not 2+2=4. Then we moved up to middle school, most kids were learning about the solar system and US History, I took extra art classes and was introduced to chalk. But middle school was mostly the color pencil stage. Using fade dimensions, and the eraser and all new things that brought into a new world of art. But then high school came. Now my father expected me to be in Advanced Placement classes and really buckle down, I was expected to get into Harvard Play at least two varsity sports… that didn’t happen though. That’s when the trouble started. He made me try out for football and baseball epic fail on both of them because I was late finishing up my first painting on canvas in the art room. Robert (my father) was disappointed but just said it will all be okay join some clubs and work work work on homework. I did, maybe not in the aspect that he thought but I did what I was told, just my way. I joined art club. And took AP photography, AP Drawing, and AP painting along with all the other basics that I have to take like Math, Gym, you know.  I spent my lunch period, sketching. I went up into my room at night and painted while my dad thought I was studying Physics. So you get the point I had a passion for art. The problem came when my report card came. No not what you’re thinking C’s and my father was mad.  Straight A’s in act just not in the classes he approved of. My mother defended me to a certain point would never really stand up to him. She was probably busy buying Gucci purses online and a new outfit for their dinner party next week. I was happy though besides his disappoint and furry. I was doing what I loved and making friends doing it friends that appreciate what makes me happy. Art. So I continued my passion. It was the beginning of senior, I didn’t score as well as I… I mean my father had hope on the SAT’s but that’s okay cause I had a huge envelope on my desk in my art filled room, from the Art Institute in New York City. They have been talking to me non stop. I shook, it’s been sitting there for three days and seventeen hours. I was ready, I sat there. My application and examples of arty that I sent to them was good enough at least I think and this year I was president of the art club which I let them know in my essay. Three…Two…One…, I tore open the heavy weighted envelope that’s been glaring at me for days. I got accepted. The biggest grin came upon my face. But let me tell you that’s not only it. I started shaking again not with nervousness, but with proud, exciting joy. The words we have decided to give you a donation due to your excellent and outstanding performance in the art community.  Joy ran through my body. This was the hard part though, telling my father, I walked down the stairs grasping the rail tightly, I was tense. I turned left assuming he was in hi study. He sat there reading some papers probably from the firm or about some case. I opened the door unable to speak, and simply put the paper on the desk in front of him. He read, said nothing then finally.

“If you choose, to attend this institution you will be paying for it yourself because I do not approve.”

I simply walked away snatching the paper. If that was my only choice then I was going to do it. Student loans, scholarships, resident assistants there are many ways of getting through the financial aspects of college. Even though he is extremely wealthy and can pay up front for my first right now. I was depressed and my next piece reflected it. A homeless man sitting alone with no one there to talked to. My mother had nothing to say to me other than congratulations but your father has made up blah blah blah all that bullcrap. But that’s okay this is my passion and I went to the art institute.

~

            I finished at the top of my class with one of my art pieces in a small gallery. Proud and read to begin my life. My mother and father attended my graduation but that was it. I was on my own, living in New York City and going to be an up and coming artist. I had my own apartment, still frustrated with my father. I let it go. The recession hit me hard. I had student loans and not a job. I started to explore the world of pastels and chalk once again. And became amazed at what happened with all different kinds of things you could do. I practiced on the pavement outside my apartment when one day. An older man walked by. Who what of thought that this man would basically change my life? He came up and explained how he loved my work and he was a principal at the local high school. He wanted me to chalk outside of the school. The budget was tight and said he couldn’t pay me. I had nothing to lose. I started the next week because it was spring break for the kids I had one week to finish. I did the school name and the mascot of a tiger jumping through the letters .I was proud and he appreciated it so much. What I didn’t know is that this volunteer project was the beginning of a career. The local paper came and took pictures and wrote an article on my work. Soon the City wide paper had my work and name in it. My name and email address was posted. All of sudden every time I checked my e-mail I would have 23 messages of praise and excitement towards my work. That’s not it. I got job offers and all new places to chalk. So I invested in a brand new chalk set and bought an appointment and began calling people back. They sent me designs they wanted so I could already start picturing what to do. I was bringing in the money not a lot but I finally had something I could look forward to do with my art. Then the job offers kept coming. More articles, interviews and before I knew it my name was known.

~

            This job never stopped. I loved it and was traveling across the nation to chalk. I finally told my parents after a year and my father played back student loans and finally accepted that I was doing something that I loved and made money doing it. I was more known than him. So my best is advice is believed in your passion and does whatever it takes.

Who doesn't like a good sandwich

    My initial thoughts to this assignment, is that it was just a different structured paper. We got to write in more of a listing way and this was a new structure that was introduced me. My partner and I really wanted to come up with something we could write a lot about , and could have many sub categories to write about. We wanted to inform readers about everyday occurrences, such as making a sandwich and make sure our how to paper could be of use. The obstacles that we over came was that there are so many types of sandwiches and we really tried to narrow it down. We worked to not over explain and we tried not to be boring, because this could be a very simple task, we wanted to liven it up and this was an obstacle that we had to overcome. It was easy to come up with ideas and sub categories, or ideas and brainstorming was really good and really started our paper off in a good fashion.
       Now looking back on this paper I would add images and pictures. I would also add a paragraph on cautions or necessary reminders of making a sandwich to benefit the reader. Looking back we really need to add a conclusion. We need to sum up all that we wrote and add some analysis for the reader to work off of.  At the end of the paper "How to Make a PB&J Sandwich,    Choose the type of PB&J sandwich you would like to make (normal, double-decker, banana, triple-decker…)    Prepare your ingredients,   Apply peanut butter to the bottom layer" this is where we left off and I would like to elaborate more on this and work towards the conclusion. Our thesis is clear and to the point so the reader knows what to expect or what they are promised and I think this is a strong introduction and all that it needs a strong conclusion to match it.
       My partner discussed revising the paper into a more parallel structure, for example we have eleven sub categories and we would really like to narrow this down to six and incorporate more together and make the paper a little more structure, this would include a deep conclusion. Defining the paper topic and the definition of a sandwich was a strong point in the introduction. Main thing is to add structure and conclusion. Adding more creativity would also bring the paper more life through sensory details. The initial thoughts of the paper and structure go along with our reflection and what we want to revise.

Kate Denhoff and Tyler Gumina

College Composition

How to Make a Sandwich

            Sandwich. A snack formed of various ingredients between two slices of bread; Any combination formed by layering material of one type between two layers of material of another type; To place one item between two other, usually flat, items; Of a meal or serving size that is smaller than a dinner. There are much kind of sandwiches and many ways to make them…

Panini’s

            This sandwich is of Italian origin. It is typically grilled and made on a ciabatta or a rosetta style bread. There are Panini makers to assist with the making of this delicious sandwich. Usually consists of a type of Italian meat (salami, spicy ham) and a cheese.

Subs

            Also known has a submarine sandwich, is a sandwich that consists of an oblong roll. Subway, DiBellas, and Quizznos are all submarine sandwich shoppe. Very filling and there are so many different kinds. From Buffalo wing to vegetarian, make your own and chicken bacon ranch.

PB&J

            Peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a sandwich, popular in America that includes a layer of peanut butter and either jelly on bread, commonly between two slices. Different jellies can be used including strawberry, concord grape, raspberry or mixed berry. Peanut butter can also be in different styles, creamy, crunchy (peanuts within), and also my personal favorite roasted honey peanut putter. Alternatives for the jelly or peanut butter include fluff or nutella, although contradicting the title of the sandwich.

Diagonal, down the middle, Cross or the Plus

            There are many ways of cutting the sandwich. Subs are typical cut vertically into halves or quarters. Panini’s usual cut with a slight diagonal. PB&J cut into four different ways including horizontally, vertically, into squares or triangles, this of course chosen by the consumer.     

Grilled Cheese anyone?

            A popular grilled sandwich in American culture. And type of bread and cheese can be used. Tomatoes, turkey, and or bacon are popular condiments added to this sandwich. This sandwich is popular among the younger generation. However, remain delicious throughout your lifetime.

White, Wheat, or Rye

            Different breads are used during the construction of sandwiches. White also known as Italian is the most popular but not the healthiest on the market. Wheat a popular form of bread with the older generation typically on health kicks or just like the taste! Rye,

Would You Like That Toasted?

            Toasted Bread gives a sandwich a different texture and taste and is loved by many.

Clubs and Triple Decker’s

            A club sandwich has three pieces of bread instead of two, there is meat cheese etc then a slice of bread typically toasted and than meat and cheese etc again in between two toasted pieces of bread. This makes for a much bigger sandwich.

How to Make a Panini

1. Choose the type of Panini you would like (bread, meats, cheeses, and condiments)
2. Prepare your ingredients (cook the bacon, cook the chicken, slice/grate the cheese)
3. Slather the bottom of the bread with olive oil (or butter) and place on a grill or stove
4. Slather the top of the bread with olive oil (or butter) and apply pressure to the top with a Panini grill or press
5. Cook until the bread looks like how you eat your toast.
6. Consume or present to the consumer

How to Make a Submarine Sandwich

1. Choose the type of Sub you would like to make (bread, meats, cheeses, condiments)
2. Prepare your ingredients
3. Cut the bread “hot-dog” style and place the ingredients in this order (from bottom to top)
1. Lettuce, meats, cheeses, then your condiments
4. If you would like to have a toasted sub then add heat now
5. Consume or present to the consumer

How to Make a PB&J Sandwich

1)      Choose the type of PB&J sandwich you would like to make (normal, double-decker, banana, triple-decker…)

2)      Prepare your ingredients

3)      Apply peanut butter to the bottom layer

Simple and to the point, conclusions can be this way...

 You can conclude your essay by reviewing your key points or restating your thesis. Summarizing your thoughts to the whole essay. Make sure to leave out details, just main ideas.

 There are seven deadly sins, and they all can be found in Eastview mall. They are represented by stores from all across the mall. Each one has different aspects that make it a seven deadly sin. Seeing the mall change and develop over time is what made me, have the insight to see these seven deadly sins and look at what stores portrayed them.


You can conclude with a prediction.Going off of what was said in the essay to make the reader think and give new perspective. Make the reader think about something that the entire paper doesn't really give them.


 Do you think more stores will come and go from Eastview mall? Will more sins come into the mall or do stores there now also portray the sins? With the tough economic times I think the stores will get more competitive and some sins will be portrayed that haven't been portrayed before in others.But as the seven deadly sins still preside in the mall more may come or some may leave.

The deadly sins are back!

This revision to this draft really added some aspects to what I have learned about conclusion and introduction. I added some sensory details and creativity but I'm really hoping to get more out of this from the peer edit. I think starting the intro with a question intrigued the reader instead of just starting the essay right off. I really worked hard on the conclusion to summarize and make sure key points were mention and really bring the whole essay together.

Seven Deadly Sins

College Composition

Seven Deadly Sins of Eastview Mall

            Have you ever been to Eastview Mall? Eastview mall, definitely the most common mall for us students here at Penfield high school, well it is for me anyways. I have lived in Rochester my entire life, and I am very familiar with Eastview. The changes the shopping mall has made, including renovations, new stores, stores disappearing, new additions, and restaurants. This mall is something that has been a place of shopping for me ever since I moved in Penfield fourteen years ago. But the thing is within in every corner, is a seven deadly sin.

            Gluttony, one of the deadly sins, consuming more than you require. Every single fast-food restaurant in the Eastview mall food court is responsible for this. Gaining money for selling unhealthy products, we inhale this food like a vacuum.  We Americans eat way to much of that fast food hence the obesity epidemic, there is such a desire for this due to something such as the food court that provides efficient food while you shop.

            Now I know what your thinking every store is greedy, they want your money in any which way and they use false advertising, credit cards, and commercial media to do it. When I first went to Eastview mall, there was Kaufman’s. Macy’s now has taken the place of all Kaufman’s around the country. The greed for power had brought this overpowering action to buy out Kaufman’s to bring a bigger and better corporation. The common trend is greed, and that’s what seven deadly sin is perceived my Macy’s.

            Pride, excessive beliefs in ones own abilities. L.L. Bean a brand new store added to Eastview this year is a perfect example. L.L. Bean is the all American store, brand, and retailer. When you’re in elementary school EVERYONE has to have their favorite color in an L.L.Bean backpack and matching lunchbox, it’s mandatory. It’s the all American brand and, their prices and excessive beauty of the new store show it.

            Lust which is power and the grave for money. Every girl in America wants to own something Coach, its so high end and expensive, you will be popular if you have it, right? The prices show their crave for money. The clear glass makes up that entire store with white shelves, so their products are the only things that stand out. They think they are the best and they want everyone to know it. Coach looks like empty office shelves, except instead of files, you find products with C all over them, and they are the “must have thing.”

            Envy, wanting what others have. Aeropastle is the pre-teen phase of a store. Its “cool” when you start wearing it but when the age limit is up not cool anymore. This is because Aeropastle has never ever been up to par like the top names for teen clothes. Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, and Hollister all have there own specific logo and are wanted by teens across America, Aeropastle has attempted to get to this stage. Creating its own logo, having the same style clothes and store look. But it just hasn’t happened; they will forever envy the main three.

            Sloth, laziness. When I first began going to Eastview mall has a little girl, I would walk by Jessica Mclintock, a high end dress store and admire the dresses. When my 8^th grade formal rolled around, I found a dress that I loved from there and I got it. The workers were not very polite and didn’t go out of their way to help people out. The one lady didn’t even get up from the counter. This store later failed and is no longer at Eastview mall, which makes sense because they were lazy and didn’t work for the customer.

            Wrath, the last seven deadly sin, is the desire to harm others. Forever 21 a store that I have personally love to shop at, it was added to Eastview mall a few years ago. They have incredible prices for teen clothes and dress clothing. All my friends agree, and with tough economic times, this is what helps them succeed and what hurts others.

            The Seven Deadly Sins that have come and gone and were always at my local mall, Eastview. Whether it’s to benefit the company or not, they represent one of the sins. It’s all about making money in this case of the, seven deadly sins. But are the stores really out there to harm one another? Or work together as a unit to become one mall? Capital is what they all want and conducting a sin to do so, won’t stand in their way.

And you thought their was nothing wrong with Eastview Mall.

  
 When I first read the "All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at a Church Bake Sale", I thought how interesting that metaphor was. To capture something so innocent and compare it to the Seven Deadly Sins.  Especially the irony of a church bake sale when the seven deadly sins are something that can be against religious aspects also. I really wanted to make my draft interesting like the one we read. The irony that took place and the structure was something well worth reading.
   As I worked on my draft, I thought about examples mostly, and how to support the Seven Deadly Sins that I had chosen to put into my paragraph. I struggled with the aspect of being creative and coming up with ways to introduce the sins. I felt repetitive in some cases and that is something that I would like to edit. I really wanted this paper to be interesting so supporting facts that were creative was also something I struggled with. Having the basis of Eastview mall really came easy to me. I knew there was something that could come up with every sin because there are so many aspects to a shopping mall. Really when I got that basis down the paper came easy.
    While working on this draft I learned a lot about exemplification and the way and when to use this type of writing. I learned that writing an exemplification paper really shows symbolism and makes a relation to a topic and something that compares with that topic in anyway. I learned about how these examples are used to help support a thesis or statement that is trying to be mad. I thought about my repetition again and how that came awkward with me. I liked the examples, I think they really support what the Seven Deadly Sins “Gluttony, one of the deadly sins, consuming more than you require. Every single fast-food restaurant in the Eastview mall food court is responsible for this. Gaining money for selling unhealthy products. We Americans eat way to much of that fast food hence the obesity epidemic, there is such a desire for this due to something such as the food court that provides efficient food while you shop.” This is an example of how I support what the sins are I give the main idea and give supporting evidence for each store.
     Rereading my paper yesterday really made me look at the introduction and the conclusion. I want to intrigue the reader with a question or quotation at the beginning, and I really need to add to the conclusion. Its only one sentence at this point and I can really through in some analysis to what I read now seeing it a few months later. I think this will make my paper a lot stronger. My strengths are the supporting evidence. I really need to work on creativity (maybe some sensory details), grabbing the reader, and analysis. By analysis , I mean that " The Seven Deadly Sins that have come and gone and were always at my local mall, Eastview" can not only be my conclusion, I really need to elaborate.If I improve those weaknesses I think this paper will really be a good way to show exemplification and everything that I have learned. Based on the revision sheet I really reflected on these weaknesses and how sensory details and a conclusion is what I need to work on for this paper to improve it. 

Kate Denhoff

Seven Deadly Sins

College Composition

Seven Deadly Sins of Eastview Mall

            Eastview mall, definitely the most common mall for us students here at Penfield high school, well it is for me anyways. I have lived in Rochester my entire life, and am very familiar with Eastview. The changes the shopping mall has made, including renovations, new stores, stores disappearing, new additions, and restaurants. This mall is something that has been a place of shopping for me ever since I moved in Penfield fourteen years ago. But the thing is within in every corner, is a seven deadly sin.

            Gluttony, one of the deadly sins, consuming more than you require. Every single fast-food restaurant in the Eastview mall food court is responsible for this. Gaining money for selling unhealthy products. We Americans eat way to much of that fast food hence the obesity epidemic, there is such a desire for this due to something such as the food court that provides efficient food while you shop.

            Greed, another deadly sin. Now I know what your thinking every store is greedy, they want your money any which way and they use false advertising, credit cards, and commercial media to do it. When I first went to Eastview mall, there was Kaufman’s. Macy’s now has taken the place of all Kaufman’s around the country. The greed for power, had brought this overpowering action to buy out Kaufman’s to bring a bigger and better corporation.

            Pride, excessive beliefs in ones own abilities. L.L. Bean a brand new store added to Eastview this year is a perfect example. L.L. Bean is the all American store, brand, and retailer. When you’re in elementary school EVERYONE has to have their favorite color in an L.L.Bean backpack and matching lunchbox, it’s mandatory. It’s the all American brand and, their prices and excessive beauty of the new store show it.

            Lust, power and money graving. Every girl in America wants to own something Coach, its so high end and expensive, you will be popular if you have it, right? The prices show their crave for money. The clear glass makes up that entire store with white shelves, so their products are the only things that stand out. They think they are the best and they want everyone to know it.

            Envy, wanting what others have. Aeropastle is the pre-teen phase of a store. Its “cool” when you start wearing it but when the age limit is up not cool anymore. This is because Aeropastle has never ever been up to par like the top names for teen clothes. Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, and Hollister all have there own specific logo and are wanted by teens across America, Aeropastle has attempted to get to this stage. Creating its own logo, having the same style clothes and store look. But it just hasn’t happened; they will forever envy the main three.

            Sloth, laziness. When I first began going to Eastview mall has a little girl, I would walk by Jessica Mclintock, a high end dress store and admire the dresses. When my 8^th grade formal rolled around, I found a dress that I loved from there and I got it. The workers were not very polite and didn’t go out of their way to help people out. The one lady didn’t even get up from the counter. This store later failed and is no longer at Eastview mall, which makes sense because they were lazy and didn’t work for the customer.

            Wrath, the last seven deadly sin, is the desire to harm others. Forever 21 a store that I have personally love to shop at, it was added to Eastview mall a few years ago. Have incredible prices for teen clothes and dress clothing. All my friends agree, and with tough economic times, this is what helps them succeed and what hurts others.

            The Seven Deadly Sins that have come and gone and were always at my local mall, Eastview.

           

Grab the Reader

Three new Techniques

- Starting with a question

- Starting with a quotation

- Starting with a striking fact

Starting with a question will help me intrigue the reader, which is one of my goals. It will also help me give background to lead into my thesis. It also makes the reader think and makes them lead into the paper.It gives background without giving away the main idea.It helps the writer promise the reader something a goal, which essentially the answer to the question.

What is a chocolate chip cookie? Is it more than just the main ingredients which include flour, sugar, brown sugar, butter, chocolate chips, eggs, vanilla, baking soda, and salt. There are different types of chocolate  chip cookies and different brands. Some brands are thought to be good with their flashy packages and great slogans or "brand" name titles, but are they really the best. Or is only one cookie the best the original Toll house chocolate chip cookie which was invented in Whitman, Massachusetts.

Starting with a quotation from any aspect or research of a certain paper can help give the reader insight and make them want to read the paper more. A quotation can help in giving perspectives from different parties of a certain situation. Starting with a quotation will give a new way to start any paper from a narrative to a research piece.

“Well surprisingly, that was the best one I think.” This said by one of my classmates as we tried various types of chocolate chip cookies and the others seem to have agreed. It’s not all about the soft, and chewy golden cookie that you think Peppridgefarm may give you, but the classic Chips Ahoy that made their taste buds wander. Different brands of chocolate chip cookies give a new meaning to the original Toll house chocolate chip cookie. They all aren’t the same, and they all aren’t good…

Starting with a fact is another way to intrigue the reader. It makes them interested in what they are about to read and very curious. Starting with a fact can also set the tone for your paper and really show the reader what to expect.

Seven billion chocolate chip cookies are consumed in the United States annually. Any where from a typical Wegmans brand cookie to a sugar free one found on grocery shelves, chocolate chip cookies are a popular product and have been ever since the original was created in Whitman, Massachusetts. Different brands for different for different people.What kind of chocolate chip cookie do you like?

Thesis is present

I promised and introduced what was going to be read in the paper. That was the only thing I had to change. This was the thesis. Point -by -point was the comparison technique I used. My introductions that I wrote will help me improve this paper. "The typical chocolate chip cookie, at least the store bought ones didn’t really stand up to the original homemade Toll house ones, I wonder if we tried Toll house today would it have been better than these cookies? These cookies are very far from the true definition of a good, chocolate chip cookie." Is the new part to my conclusion, I think it really made the reader think and summed up the paper as whole nicely.


Kate Denhoff
Chocolate Chip Cookies

My interpretation of the perfect chocolate chip cookie. A warm, soft, cookie with different types of chocolate; chocolate chunks chocolate chips, and mini chocolate chips. But is that really what they are, do they really taste that way…The chocolate chip cookies. A typical dessert for the average American for a number of years. It’s often described as a soft, golden, warm, baked cookie with many chocolate chips. That’s what the cookie companies want you to believe but is that what they really taste like? Or is the original chocolate chip cookie by toll house the best. The chocolate chip cookie originated in the United States, in Whitman, Massachusetts. Ruth Wakefield invented the Toll House brand of chocolate chip cookies, the first chocolate chip cookie ever created. The main ingredients in a chocolate chip cookie include flour, sugar, brown sugar, butter, chocolate chips, eggs, vanilla, baking soda, and salt. We tasted different types and brands of chocolate chip cookies to see which ones tasted the best…
Different cookie brands were tasted. First was Keebler, cookies deluxe. We thought that this cookie would taste the worst. In fact it was the best of all. Dry but very chocolatety, the smell was very chocolatey. The packaging was attractive to the consumer having a logo and the Keebler advertising elf; the package had many colors and was attractive to kids. “Chocolate in every bite” is there motto and it seems to compare well to what they truly taste like.
Another brand was Murray sugar free cookies, were some of the worst. Tasteless and dry but the people I observed said they weren’t has bad as they thought they were going to be. The package was white and blue very bland… a lot like the cookie. “Taste so great you’ll never know they are sugar free,” not the case for this motto. The bland taste was definitely not reflective of the motto.
The Chips Ahoy, a classic with the classic blue packaging was medium in the taste range. Not soft with chocolate chunks not chips and didn’t hit the spot like expect. These cookies had a resalable package with the Chips Ahoy cookie on it. They are advertised as “Real chocolate chip cookies,” and this cookie was a median for all the cookies so it seems like a pretty good motto for this cookie.
Wegmans. The Grocery store we all know and love has their own brand for most products including chocolate chip cookies. These cookies were bigger in circumference and were softer than the cookies earlier they had a clear package to display the actual product. No other products did not have any sort of clear packaging. “Old fashion, soft cookies,” their cookies were soft, but not so good, maybe that means old fashioned.
The Peppridge farm chocolate chip cookies that everyone thought were going to be the best. It wasn’t it tasted weird, with a weird after taste and didn’t look like any of the other cookies. It was a real let down. The package was white and sophisticated. That’s how Peppridge farm advertises and what they want you to see. “Soft baked, improved taste, and soft texture,” the taste can’t be improved if it was really bad.
Archway also didn’t home for anyone in the group. Weird smell and very similar to the soft texture of Wegmans chocolate chip cookies. Even though they advertise it to be “Just like Homemade”, a classic chocolate chip cookie that really didn’t come to be.
The typical chocolate chip cookie, at least the store bought ones didn’t really stand up to the original homemade Toll house ones, I wonder if we tried Toll house today would it have been better than these cookies? These cookies are very far from the true definition of a good, chocolate chip cookie.

The Starting Line

I had to research more about the history of the chocolate chip cookie, where it originated and the recipe. I thought it was interesting and helped me write my introduction. The first draft was difficult because I had difficulty attracting the reader. As I worked on the draft I enjoyed the topic and comparing so many different cookies. I enjoyed seeing peoples reactions and incorporating that into my draft. The part that frustrated me the most was that I felt as if I was repeating myself. And I think that it's not very interesting(the first draft). I used comparison as a technique to develop this paper. The specific technique that I used was point by point. This gave me the chance to give each individual brand that I was comparing its own paragraph to talk about each aspect that made them similar or the same to others. This draft has some good things that will be kept but there is still some editing to be done.

When I first re-read my draft today I really liked the amount of background information I gave especially in the introduction. If I could make changes I would make the paper and introduction more intriguing to grab the reader into the paper, and make them want to read more. I also need to add a title since I forgot one on the first draft.

My partner Dan, liked my introduction it just needed to grab the reader more. This was the most helpful feedback because it will really make my paper something that people will want to read. He also said that I should combine the introduction from three different paragraphs into one so that all of the background information needed for the paper is in one place. Dan helped me pick a title, Thought to be good... This was interesting because I wouldn’t have picked it and he said it made him want to read the paper more so I am going to use this title. The peer feedback was helpful in my reflection and outlook of the first draft.

I plan to revise my introduction combining the three paragraphs and making it more intriguing for the reader. I plan on using the new title Thought to be good... , which my partner Dan help me pick out from the list I created. In the body paragraphs with the comparisons I plan on making my comparisons more in depth and interesting to reader by giving more detail. I think the last sentence in the conclusion is a great ending, but the first couple of sentences in the conclusion need some work. I think I want the conclusion to be much longer and really overview the comparisons and be more like the introduction.



Kate Denhoff
Chocolate Chip Cookies

My interpretation of the perfect chocolate chip cookie. A warm, soft, cookie with different types of chocolate; chocolate chunks chocolate chips, and mini chocolate chips. But is that really what they are, do they really taste that way…
The chocolate chip cookies. A typical dessert for the average American for a number of years. It’s often described as a soft, golden, warm, baked cookie with many chocolate chips. That’s what the cookie companies want you to believe but is that what they really taste like? Or is the original chocolate chip cookie by toll house the best.The chocolate chip cookie originated in the United States, in Whitman, Massachusetts. Ruth Wakefield invented the Toll House brand of chocolate chip cookies, the first chocolate chip cookie ever created. The main ingredients in a chocolate chip cookie include flour, sugar, brown sugar, butter, chocolate chips, eggs, vanilla, baking soda, and salt.
Different cookie brands were tasted. First was Keebler, cookies deluxe. We thought that this cookie would taste the worst. In fact it was the best of all. Dry but very chocolatety, the smell was very chocolatey. The packaging was attractive to the consumer having a logo and the Keebler advertising elf; the package had many colors and was attractive to kids. “Chocolate in every bite” is there motto and it seems to compare well to what they truly taste like.
Another brand was Murray sugar free cookies, were some of the worst. Tasteless and dry but the people I observed said they weren’t has bad as they thought they were going to be. The package was white and blue very bland… a lot like the cookie. “Taste so great you’ll never know they are sugar free,” not the case for this motto. The bland taste was definitely not reflective of the motto.
The Chips Ahoy, a classic with the classic blue packaging was medium in the taste range. Not soft with chocolate chunks not chips and didn’t hit the spot like expect. These cookies had a resalable package with the Chips Ahoy cookie on it. They are advertised as “Real chocolate chip cookies,” and this cookie was a median for all the cookies so it seems like a pretty good motto for this cookie.
Wegmans. The Grocery store we all know and love has their own brand for most products including chocolate chip cookies. These cookies were bigger in circumference and were softer than the cookies earlier they had a clear package to display the actual product. No other products did not have any sort of clear packaging. “Old fashion, soft cookies,” their cookies were soft, but not so good, maybe that means old fashioned.
The Peppridge farm chocolate chip cookies that everyone thought were going to be the best. It wasn’t it tasted weird, with a weird after taste and didn’t look like any of the other cookies. It was a real let down. The package was white and sophisticated. That’s how Peppridge farm advertises and what they want you to see. “Soft baked, improved taste, and soft texture,” the taste can’t be improved if it was really bad.
Archway also didn’t home for anyone in the group. Weird smell and very similar to the soft texture of Wegmans chocolate chip cookies. Even though they advertise it to be “Just like Homemade”, a classic chocolate chip cookie that really didn’t come to be.
The typical chocolate chip cookie, at least the store bought ones didn’t really stand up to the original homemade Toll house ones, I wonder if we tried Toll house today would it have been better than these cookies? These cookies are very far from the true definition of a good, chocolate chip cookie.